i-want-more

Fortunately gone

For the last few days, I feel a bit like I’m not actually in my own body, instead that I’m watching myself act out a sequence of banal tasks for an unknown puppet master.

On Thursday afternoon, after leaving work, I received the news that I was both expecting and dreading. My mother has stomach cancer. We have no idea how long she’ll live (nor does she and she’s happy with that). The only surgical procedure available is too risky for them to try. We’re unsure as yet if there are treatment options – even if there are, the chances of her agreeing to them are slim.

I coped pretty well with the news, initially.

However, this weekend I went from resigned to relaxed to furious to desolate to upbeat, and many other emotions between these. I am literally all over the place, yet I’m not functioning anywhere. Instead, I’m numbly carrying on, neither noticing nor caring about much of what’s going on in front of me. Understatement of the year so far: it’s not great.

posted by deafdisco @ 3:00 pm