i-want-more

For every happy hello, there will be goodbye

It's hard to know where to start, if I'm honest. The last few weeks have been a blur, and I have to admit that I'm finding it difficult to express exactly what it is that I'm feeling at the moment. I'm also keen not to have a nervous breakdown over the internet. Not on a blog, anyway. That's what Facebook appears to be for.

Three weeks ago today we were hurtling down a motorway to be by her bedside. Two weeks ago today I was wandering her house, cleaning; something that couldn't be done properly all the while she was ill. A week ago today we were returning from Devon on the day after her funeral.

Mum was terribly ill, and looking back at what I've written on this blog, I had a very clear idea of what her illness meant and the seriousness of the outcome. However, it still came as a shock to me that she couldn't cling onto life any longer. She had fought so hard all her life, I think I just assumed she'd keep fighting. I spent some time talking to her in the hospital and telling her not to linger for our benefit, yet still her death came as a surprise.

The thing that hits me more than anything else is that there is a void where she used to be. She used to dominate proceedings, in every sense of the phrase. I find myself thinking "I must ring her to tell her about..." or "when we next visit, we'll do...". It's so hard. I just feel...well, lost, I suppose is how I feel.

So, I keep busy. Ringing up insurance companies, writing thank you letters, calling her old friends to break the news. Thing is, there's going to come a time when there are no more calls to make or letters to write, and I'll need to face up to the fact that she's gone.

posted by deafdisco @ 4:02 pm