i-want-more

Not with a bang

I had a post half-written but I've since scrapped it. It was mainly about the mood I'm in at the moment. I might come back to that later. But first, here's a brief interlude.

On Saturday night we spent time over with Mrs and Mrs Crimmings. Mrs is an old pal of mine from the worst job in the world. They invited us over with a couple of other mates to enjoy some food and fireworks. Both were excellent, but especially the fireworks.

I think it's been about 30 years since I last stood in a garden watching fireworks. I recall my Dad getting a small box of Standard fireworks, which were incredibly expensive, and he set up a display next to our coal bunker. [I also have a vague memory of him nailing something to our garage, which was made of asbestos panels, but let us gloss over that detail.] Without fail, almost every single firework failed to light, or fizzled out. That was the late 1970s/early 80s for you. We all felt like we'd been swindled.

Not so this time. We had more fireworks than we knew what do do with, so we split them into two batches. They were awesome, mainly because they were for medium-sized firework displays and we were in a small suburban garden. At one point the fireworks shot themselves directly at us - oops. It was uproariously funny, although I imagine we'd have been less amused if any of us had been disfigured.

It was a real tonic of an evening.

So, back to my mood. It'll be six months since Mum died this week. Here's some things I've learnt this year.

1) No matter how shit I've felt, I've been amazed at how resilient I am when I'm forced to be. In the week or so following Mum's death I was overcome with what felt like almost superhuman mental strength. I sat calmly in interviews and meetings and didn't break down. I functioned to a far superior level than I usually do. As time has gone on, this feeling has evaporated somewhat, but I can still pull it out of the bag when I need to.

2) Despite the above, the slightest thing will set me off. An ancient coffee stain on our carpet was yesterday's thing. Something catches you off-guard, and before you know it, you're a wreck.

3) Time doesn't really heal. I think that with the passing of time, you find the best coping strategies, and you wear them like a piece of armour. There are a million and one ways to deal, you just pick what suits you best. I'm not sure that I can even explain how I do it.

In the meantime, life continues and re-adjusting to the world is still a main priority.

posted by deafdisco @ 10:11 am